Recently I took part in huge women protests in Poland. It was about anti-abortion law government is planning.
I felt times are dark, the place in my head I’m in right now is dark.
I just sketched whatever came to my mind.
So I was checking old photo albums, looking for pictures I could use for my mom’s birthday present.
I ended with some more ideas for drawings and thoughts about parenthood, childhood, memories.
I’ve always imagined that a person is adult, when they stop thinking what mother would say about them. For some time now my attitude towards my parents has changed a lot.
I used to have many claims about their behaviour, for a long time I was hurt, remembering what they did wrong. After years of thoughts and work, forgiveness day has come. They didn’t ask for it, it just happened. Not in words, just in my mind, but I felt really relieved.
I’ve learned to see them not as my guardians, but as people that in my age had 3 children. When I stopped awaitening parenting care from them, I finally felt like an adult person.
When you separate all this expectations of a child, it leaves just two people, who did mistakes and had their bad sides. Like I do and like I have.
As an adult I gave my inner child what it needed. So it left me with a peace.
I have to admint to something- I’m really scared of war. Some people say it’s not possible, that it wouldn’t happen, but for me the thing is, that when we even start to consider the possibility, shit is getting real.
I can’t stand what’s happening with the world today, why some people don’t see others as human beings, that they see some wildlings, enemies. I think that we make our own fears come true when we exclude others, they start to become what we want to see them. If adult says to child “you’re bad” as often as it gets, child starts to behave badly, just because nobody expects from him good behaviour anyways. So why bother.
If we say some group of people, that they don’t belong here, that they are worse, they have no other option than to confirm this theory. When they are good, nobody notices, it’s transparent.
I can’t stand any of racism, homophobia, xenophobic behaviour. It makes me sick.
I see anger in many of people, it comes from their fear.
So basically when I’m afraid of sombody’s fear I had to throw it out somehow.
You know, when there were times that people didn’t understand nature as much as we do now, they were taking “bad signs” of it. Eclipses, falling stars, comets.
These are omens of feelings in my guts.
I’m fascinated with them. I don’t know how does it feel to live in pretty town. In little scandinavian cottages, in cool italian old buildings with a garden on the roof, in charming parisian tenement house where you walk through fancy gates. What it is like to drink espresso every mornig before your work, walking down the spanish streets, everyday in the same caffeteria, where you know the owner.
How do people function in high apartaments of Geneve, inherited after their grandmothers.
Easily I can tell that for me it’s like living on Mars.
I wonder what will happen with all those monstrous settlements that are big parts of each town and city of Poland. How they will look in 50 years, when now nobody wants to buy a flat that is in a building like that.
This was my childhood, form of coexisting with other people. Hearing their voices every day, smelling what they have for dinner, knowing who’s crying, who has little baby, who’s having a birthday party. Watching the same tv programs they watch. Being a part of a collective sorrow that never leaves this kind of places.
Recently I got copic-type pens as a gift. So I’m using them like crazy. Also I think more and more I’m falling into drawing illustrations, and as the time goes by, stories in my head are getting more of the shape.
Lately I’m into drawing ghosts, shadows, dark rooms and woods. Maybe it’s too many horror movies.
I’ve always had this fascination with a subject of a little girl and dark powers, contrast between innocence and evil.
I’m not a person who is much of a believer in this kind of stories, but as a metaphore for the dark side we all have, as something that is beyond our control in onselves acts, thougths, ghosts, devils are great subject.
So here it is, I think I’ll stuck to this for a while.
Lately I was under the influence of tv serie The Stranger Things and some scandinavian illustrations.
So I’ve made (I think I’ll be making more of these) graphics that tell you “after dark story”.
When I was a kid I always believed in every legend creatures living in the woods, or under water, or up in the skies. I thought that even if we can’t see them, they are there, avoiding contact, having their own matters. This was so obvious, that many of times when I was alone, I prayed to them that they showed me themselves, promised that I wouldn’t tell anyone 🙂
Meanwhile, in between work and wanting to keep in touch with friends and family, I try not to get depressed looking at works of some great illustrators and comic book artists!
I mean- this is the biggest kick to improve myself.
Right now I have lots of sketches after vacations, but recently I’ve made my mind on two bigger projects. One is a comic, the other is a kind of drawing series. We’ll see if I’ll manage to focus on them.
Sorry my friends and family that I’m unavailable all the time 😉
When I’m tired I usually paint quite dark illustrations. This was the case.
Just before leaving to the seaside I felt I have to throw this out of me. So I’ve made those paintings, portraits of women drowning in shadows.
Technque is just parker ink on a brush, with a little of water. Used just like watercolor.